Schrödinger’s Tumor
The Betty Paradox
The whole good news/bad news dichotomy gets really messed up when you have a health adventure. I have good news about my bad news.
Bad news: I still have cancer.
Good news: my surgeon confirmed that most of Betty (dainty little thing that she is) was sucked out during the biopsy.
In other words, I essentially have Schrödinger’s tumour…simultaneously present and absent.
Yes, there is Betty shrapnel left over, and her drunken cell friends are likely nearby hoping to ensure her legacy lives on.
Yes, we still have to go in there and scoop out about a tablespoon (My surgeon’s words. Gross.) from my left breast and send it to pathology, along with a lymph node with traitorous potential. The cancer piper must be paid.
My surgeon, who is capable, experienced, and practical, shrugged and told me this was very likely going to be no big deal…notwithstanding the fact that I do have cancer. She said it’s possible I may not even require radiation (though I am not counting on that and, if there is any doubt, I am getting all the radiation).
That’s where things are at. The depth of relief I felt when I left the surgeon’s office was surprising, to be honest. I really thought I’d been handling all of this like a champ. However, I had apparently outsourced my stress to my trapezius muscles. My shoulders dropped faster than my bra hits the floor at the end of the day.
I spoke last time about clarity. One of the things I’m clear about is wanting to squeeze every bit of learning I can out of this experience. This not at all the same as subscribing to the “everything happens for a reason” trope. Some crap in life just happens. No secret meaning. Ultimately, we are fragile, sentient meat bags. Stuff is going to go wrong for some reason: faulty DNA, misadventure, bad habits, random bad luck. In my opinion, there is no big cosmic plan most of the time. Shit happens because that’s the price of doing business.
Having said that, bad things can still be good teachers. I feel like I’m learning something every day. About gratitude, love, connection, perspective, time, and beauty. Do I wish I was learning these lessons some other way? Sure. Of course. But…this is my road and I’m going to make the most of the trip…without Betty in the backseat.
PS. Get your mammogram